


Home

by seamonster009



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2018-11-08 21:30:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11090307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seamonster009/pseuds/seamonster009
Summary: Yamazaki Sousuke wishes nothing more than to be a home for Matsuoka Rin, because Rin has always been Sousuke's dream, life, and love. His one and only.Unfortunately, Rin is a man of adventures and Sousuke might not be the only one he turns to.





	1. I wish it was me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone. This is the first piece I've written after a long hiatus, and the first one to be posted here on AO3! I understand that Sousuke has a somewhat complicated relationship with Rin, especially with the Iwatobi guys in the mix. This is my take on the situation, in Sousuke's POV. Not BETA'd, so forgive me for typos and mistakes. Without further ado, enjoy!

The soft sound of the door shutting behind him feels like an explosion in my ears. I sit up and look down from my top bunk to see him, as breathtaking as ever, walking into our shared room looking exhausted. A deep frown mars his face but I can see a twinkle in his eyes, even in the dim room. 

“Welcome back, Rin.” He flinches upon hearing my voice and glances at me before turning away. 

“Fuck, you almost gave me a heart attack, jackass!” He takes off the denim shirt he stole from my closet that morning and tosses it to the laundry bin, missing it by a few inches. 

“How was your day? Did you have fun?” It’s almost painful to see his body tensing up from my simple question, and yet I can’t help it. 

“Yeah, it was okay. Go to sleep, Sou, it’s late.” He busies himself by taking off his bracelet, putting it neatly on the table. It’s a red and teal braided leather bracelet, complete with a shark and whale shark charm dangling on the end. I got it for his birthday, matching the one I have on my wrist. 

“Alright. Good night, then.” He hasn’t moved an inch, still keeping his back towards me. I guess I don’t have the privilege to properly see his face today. I lay back down and pull up the covers. It is a bit cold tonight, or it might just be my imagination. I hear him opening his closet, clothes softly rustling as he changes before slipping into his bed. 

“I love you, Rin.” 

He doesn’t reply.

-

Rin and I have been friends since elementary school, and we’ve been dating for three months.  
We’ve been through a lot to get to this point. The childhood relay argument, the 5 years separation, my shoulder injury, all the tears, anger and frustration we had towards each other. It hasn’t been easy but in the end, we still know each other the best. 

I have loved Rin ever since we were snotty brats, racing each other to the pool and in the pool. He has taught me what it means to have a dream, to chase that dream and to live the dream. He’s the center of my world, he’s my special person, he’s my dream. He’s the only one for me, even though I’m not the only one for him. 

-

“Sou, wake up. We’re going out with everyone today, remember? We’re going to be late if you don’t get your ass up right now!” I slowly open my eyes and all I see is red. Rin’s red orbs and red hair. I keep my eyes on him and his face slowly turns red too. 

“W-what are you looking at?” He stutters adorably and I can’t help to tease him a little more. 

“So? You’re not going to give me my morning kiss?” The blush on his face reaches the tip of his ears and he scowls. Rin climbs down the ladder of our bunk bed and starts changing. 

“Idiot. Hurry up and shower! Oh, and I’m wearing your brown muscle tee today.” I always have a hard time averting my eyes from him, especially when he’s half naked and fresh from the showers. 

“Geez, Rin. Leave some clothes for me to wear, will you?” I chuckle and starts getting ready for the day. Nine in the morning is still too early for me, but I might as well get the day over with quickly. 

-

“Rin-chan! Sou-chan! You’re finally here!” Nagisa runs towards us and tackles Rin into a bear hug. After he’s done with Rin he turns to me and gives me a bone-breaking squeeze. 

“Hello, Rin, Sousuke! Are you ready to go? The aquarium will be quite crowded since it’s a public holiday today, but I hope it won’t be too stuffed.” Makoto greets us with his usual smile. I nod at him and Rei as acknowledgement. Rin, however, was stealing glances at Haru. I try my best to ignore the dull pang in my chest. 

I am a man of few words, always have been and always will be. I spend my time silently observing rather than participating in conversations unless necessary. And so during the trip I walk a few steps behind them, watching them interact and laugh together. At times I feel like they seem to forget I’m there. 

And it had me thinking about the fact that they are the ones who gave Rin his new dream. They are the ones Rin turns to, the ones Rin left me for, the ones Rin wants to swim with, the ones Rin wants to compete with and against. Especially him, the dark-haired, brooding, blue-eyed swimming maniac that caught Rin’s attention. If I think about it, Nanase Haruka and I have so much in common. Perhaps that’s why…

“Sousuke? Are you okay?” Rin’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts. He is looking at me with a concerned expression while his friends are excitedly fawning over the penguins. I release the breath I didn’t realise I’ve been holding.

“I’m alright.” I try to walk past him but he grabs my forearm.

“You lied to me once, you can’t lie to me again.” I almost laugh at the irony. I gently pry my arm away from him, opting to clasp his hand and twine our fingers. 

“Come on, let’s see what your friends are fussing about.” He doesn’t say anything and silently follows me.

See, the thing is, Rin has been acting weird ever since he came back from his trip to Australia with Nanase. Sometimes I see him staring off to space before scowling and going back to whatever he was doing. He uses his phone more often and runs to check his message when the notification goes off. He’s not as touchy feely as usual and tends to turn down my touches of affection. Nowadays I have to wait for his request to sleep at the bottom bunk with him. I can’t remember the last time we had lazy cuddles in the morning. 

I don’t really mind it. Because he still talks to me, asks me how my day is, laughs with me. He watches movies with me, plays games with me, studies with me, and on good days he would let me hold his hands, just like right now. 

But even on a good day like this, I don’t fail to notice how Rin and Nanase look at each other. 

Even someone as dumb as me knows that something happened between the both of them during the trip, and I might know what that is. After all, how spacious can one bed be?

-

“Are you going out with Nanase again?” It hasn’t been a week since we went to the aquarium together, and yet Rin is all dressed up in my camo t-shirt at 8 in the morning. 

“Yeah, he wants me to go swimsuit shopping with him. As thanks for Australia, he said.” He puts on his baseball cap and slings his bag. 

Ah, like that one time he takes you out for lunch right? As thanks for Australia. I hold back from saying the words threatening to slip from my mouth.I guess he forgot that he had used this excuse before. 

“I see. Call me if you’re coming home for dinner, it’ll be tonkatsu though.” He turns to me for a second and reaches for the door handle. 

“Uh, no need, I’ll be having dinner with him.. and Makoto.” I hum in response. 

“Alright. Have fun and take care then.” He opens the door and takes a hesitant step.

“I love you, Rin.” He nods and mumbles a barely audible ‘yeah, see ya.’

And of course, Makoto isn’t there when I pass by the diner on my way home from the supermarket. But Rin is smiling, so that’s good. I just wish I’m the one sitting across him, and not Nanase. 

-

“Have you been eating well, Sousuke-kun? You don’t look good.” Gou asks as she slurps her smoothie. Funny how it’s as red as her hair, really. We are sitting at a cafe on a Friday evening. Since Rin is our doing God knows what, I thought that catching up with Gou might be a good idea but I’m starting to question my decision. 

“Of course I’ve been eating well, what are you talking about?” I scoff then sip my coffee. She stares at me, eyes squinted in disbelief. 

“You know,” She puts her glass down and leans closer. “I saw my brother and Haru at the swimsuit section of the sport store last week.” Gou’s face looks serious, unlike her usual kind expression. 

“Yeah. He told me about it. Nanase wanted to show his gratitude to Rin for bringing him to Australia. What’s the problem?” I stare at her as she shrugs and leans back to her seat. 

“They look like a good couple, don’t you think?” I keep my expression as levelled as I can. Good couple? Of course not! Rin needs someone who is taller than him, more muscular than him, who will take care of him, make him smile, love him unconditionally. He doesn’t need Nanase, he needs me because I’m - 

“Of course, that is if he’s not already dating you.” I’m his boyfriend. I tighten my grip on the coffee cup, only to slowly set it down on the table. 

“They’re friends, since when friends can’t go to the sports store together?” I look at Gou dead in the eyes. She keeps her gaze before sighing.

“Sousuke-kun, it’s not healthy. As much as I love my brother, this isn’t fair for you.You’ll ruin yourself again. I don’t want to be the one picking up what’s left of you if something happens. I mean, I will! But I won’t be happy about it! I just… I don’t want to see you broken like last time...” She looks down at her lap and I feel the corner of my lips turning into a grin. 

“Now, I can’t have a pretty girl frowning because of me. Don’t worry about me, Gou. I’ll be fine.” She snaps her head so fast, I’m worried she’ll pull a muscle. 

“But Sousuke-kun-!” I silence her with a pat on her head and a smile.

“As long as your brother is happy, I’ll be fine. So don’t even think about saying anything to him, okay? He has a lot on his mind already with finals and his move to Australia coming up.” Her eyes are glassy but she nods anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. I really want to hear your thoughts about the whole feel of the story, so comments will be much appreciated. Thank you!


	2. What does it mean to be a home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does it truly mean to be a home for someone?  
> What does it truly mean to go home to someone?

“Sou, come and sleep down here.” It’s one of the rare nights when Rin would ask me to spend the night cuddling to him. And I can’t complain, really. It’s been too long since the last time I hug him properly. I silently climb down and slip under his covers, wrapping my arms around his waist as he buries his face in the crook of my neck. 

“What’s up, Rin?” I whisper just for him to hear. Rin hugs me back and I feel my heart fluttering with happiness. He has this effect on me and it’s not going away anytime soon. 

“I just want to cuddle with my boyfriend. You got a problem with that?” He tries to be mad but the lack of fire in his voice gives it away. 

“Do you see me complaining? Besides, I can’t remember the last time we did this, so I’m enjoying this as much as I can.” I kiss the crown of his head and inhale the scent of mint. He must have taken a shower at Nanase’s then. 

I swallow and try my best to untangle the knot in my throat. 

“I’m not a good boyfriend, am I?” He whispers, uncertainty in his voice that is so unlike him.

“You’re a loud, raging idiot. And a crybaby too.” He snaps his head and frowns at me, just like what Gou did back at the cafe. I chuckle and pecks his lips instead, feeling warmth spread through my body and contentment buzzing in my bloodstream. “But you’re perfect, Rin. Nothing less than perfect.” 

His lips forms a thin line. He pushes me away before turning his body to face the wall. I can only hug him from behind, willing the ache in my chest and my stinging eyes away. If only I could stop breathing, I don’t have to smell the mint shampoo that keeps reminding me of how much Rin isn’t completely mine.

-

Rin is a passionate person. He is who he is because of his dreams and his fiery passion. And that’s why I fell in love with him in the first place. His love for swimming is what got us to be friends in the first place, since he was so determined to teach me how to swim when we were kids. And just like every passionate person out there, he goes out to get what he wants. No matter how far he has to go, how long he has to be away, if he wants it then he will fight tooth and nail to get it. 

I’ve always thought that Rin can go wherever he likes, as long as he comes back to me. I want to be his home, the place he goes to at the end of the day. So why is it starting to hurt more and more every time he’s out there, having his adventures with Nanase and his Iwatobi friends without me? After all, he still comes back to me, right? Nanase might be his adventure, but I’m still his home.

So why is this pain in my chest hurting more than the moment I injured my shoulder and lost my dream of swimming?

-

Rin starts to wear our bracelet less and less. He doesn’t bother to rummage through my closet anymore too. But I do notice his new blue necklace with aquamarine pendant along with more blue clothing that doesn’t stay for more than 1 week in his closet, only here to be washed and gone again once it has dried.

-

“Who was that girl you were with yesterday?” Rin says with a huff. I woke up not 10 minutes ago on a Sunday morning and that’s the first thing he says to me after not seeing each other at all yesterday. 

“Good morning to you too.” I stretch, yawn and turn to the side, seeing Rin in a yellow shirt that I know doesn’t belong to him or me. He’s ready to go out yet again and I think I’m beginning to be the third wheel in our relationship.

“Who was she? And don’t tell me she’s your cousin or what not, I know all your family’s faces.” He glares at me. I sigh and make my way down from my bed. I pull him into a hug and kiss his forehead. 

“She’s no one, Rin. So where-”

“Don’t change the subject!” He pushes me away with such force that I stumble backwards. He is fuming angry.

“I told you, she’s no one. Why does it matter so much to you?” He stares at me with so much anger and disbelief, but I don’t really see what’s the problem here. 

“No one? No one, you say? If she’s no one then why were you holding hands with her?! Were you on a date? Of course you were! Well you’re caught red-handed, you fucker!” He jabs his finger on my chest over and over. 

“Rin stop it. She’s an old friend who’s visiting relatives in town and we met when I was out yesterday. We had lunch and walked around town a bit. I didn’t hold her hand, she started holding on to me after she stumbled because of her stupidly high heels. We parted ways in the evening. Nothing happened.” 

“See? She’s not a nobody! And don’t lie to me! What kind of an excuse is ‘old friend’?! A blind man can see that she likes you, and I can see just fine. She was all over you! So where did you meet her, huh? Is she from Iwatobi? You just met her recently, didn’t you? You’re cheating on me!”

I snap.

“How dare you. You can accuse me of lying, but how dare you accuse me of cheating on you. She’s a friend I met in Sano Elementary School. You’d know her too, but oh! I guess you were too busy in Australia and not writing back to me at all.” I laughed bitterly at the memory of waiting for him to tell me how he was doing. I waited and waited until waiting seems to be the only reason I existed. 

“I was working my ass off alone in Australia.” He grits his teeth. 

“You chose to be alone. I was a letter away. And when you did write one to me, it was never meant for me at all. It was for him.” I let the venom slip away in my tone.

“Don’t bring Australia and Haru into this. This is not about what I did, it’s about what you did with her!” He looks away, his tone lowering for a little bit. I know he’s uncomfortable talking about Nanase with me, but for once I don’t care. 

“What do you know about what I did? You’re too busy having fun with Nanase all the time! You never spend time with me anymore. Even if we meet it’s only to say meaningless greetings and talk shit like this.” I never wanted to argue with Rin, I never wanted to see him glaring at me like that. 

“I told you not to bring Haru into this! And what about you? You were probably fucking that girl when I’m out!” He scoffs, not knowing how much pain he’s causing me. 

“I was waiting for you alone in this room when you’re fucking Nanase at his place! So how was he? He must be better than me if he keeps you coming back for more. Or were you the one fucking him instead? He must be amazing, huh? Because you can’t seem to come back home to see your boyfriend once in awhile!” 

He punched me in the face. I stand my ground and cradled my jaw, feeling the taste of blood in my mouth.

“D-don’t talk about Haru that way!” I am speechless. Is this all the love that he has for me? Close to none? Do our friendship mean anything?

“Why? Nervous because I know you’re fucking him behind my back for months? I am your boyfriend, for fuck’s sake, Rin. Your best friend. I can put two and two together.” I sit on his bed and stare at his expression, a deer caught in the headlight. 

“B-but I… Sousuke-” I almost feel bad about how he is panicking but deep inside I can feel the satisfaction of seeing him that way. 

“I know your relationship with him is special. I can never compete with him, it’s a fact I’ve come to peace with long ago. But Rin, do I mean so little to you? Do you even understand how much I love you? When will I ever be enough for you?” Rin, being the crybaby that he is starts to tear up. 

“You’re suffocating me, Sousuke. With Haru I can be a person that I want myself to be, a strong person that is able to achieve whatever I want to achieve without being held back. With you it feels different, I feel obligated to make you happy too. And sometimes I want to do whatever I want, just to feel that freedom. Sousuke, you’re this anchor that keeps me grounded and I - ” He doesn't seem to realise what he’s saying to me. He quickly looks up to see my eyes and it seems that whatever expression on my face sets him panicking again.

“No, wait, Sousuke- I didn’t mean-” 

Holding him back has been the number one thing I am afraid of. After all, that is what I warned Nanase not to do. I thought I’ve been supporting Rin by loving him. But on the contrary..

“I’m holding you back because I’m in love with you.” 

I can see Rin speaking, but I can’t hear his voice.My heart is pounding and I can only hear blood rushing in my ears. My legs feels heavy and every single muscle in my body is pulsing, silently screaming in pain. 

I grab my shoes on the way out, leaving my phone, wallet and Rin behind.

I slam the door shut.

-

“Everybody is looking for you, you know.” Kisumi sits down beside me as we watch the TV in his living room. I choose not to reply.

“Makoto says Rin is bawling his eyes out and rampaging through town, screaming your name like a madman.” I really shouldn't be happy to hear that…

“And yet here we are, still watching TV in your house with no one banging on the door.” I shrug and glance at the pink haired guy.

“Sousuke, I have no idea what is going on between you two, but you have to talk to him. Rin looks miserable and even Haru can't console him. He’s devasta-” I slam the table to stop him right there, feeling pain rushing through my muscles.

“Does anybody even have the slightest care in the world about how I feel?” 

“How would you feel if the only person you love is pulling away, leaving you slowly but surely even when you are trying your fucking hardest to make him happy? How would you feel if the love of your life is crushing your heart for the millionth time even though it’s almost bursting from the sheer amount of affection you have for him? How would you feel if your boyfriend is fucking around with someone else without even trying to hide it?!” I gasp after realizing I screamed the whole thing at Kisumi inside his own home. I try to catch my breath, it feels as if I just swam for hundreds of meters.

“But it was never truly about the cheating, isn’t it?” Kisumi said after a few seconds of silence.

“No. It’s how he threw me aside like a plaything after he has found something new. Like I’m just a broken doll and my feelings are just a nuisance. He replaced me long ago and I was trying so hard to crawl back into his life. I’m the one holding him back.” I bury my face in my palms, ignoring the sting from the cut lip and swollen bruise.

For the first time in a while, I cry.

-

I come back to our dorm late, still wearing my sleeping clothes from yesterday. The room is dark and silent, except for the sniffles coming from my bunk.

“S-sousuke?!” Rin’s voice is hoarse from the crying. He jerks up and stumbles to get down. He hugs me and buries his face in my chest. 

“Sousuke, I’m sorry. I didn't mean what I said, I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m sorry for hurting you. I was so worried. I hope you’re alright. I -” I wrap my arms around him, shutting him up in an instant. He turns putty in my embrace, sighing quietly. 

“You never say anything that you don’t mean. You meant it, we both know that.” I stroke his head and notice his usual scent of cinnamon and spice. 

“I’m sorry. I made a commitment to you, and yet I… Once it happened, back in Australia, I just can’t… I don’t know why…” His voice hitches and he hiccups, trying his best to hold back his sobs. But the wetness on my shirt gives it away. 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Rin. We’ve both had a long day, and the finals are just around the corner. You need to rest.” 

“I can’t sleep, how can I sleep? You know what I’ve done, you should be screaming bloody murder at me! I don’t get it! Or… or do you not love me enough to be mad at me?” Honestly, if I’m not used to his painful words, I would be pulling away instead. But I hold him closer instead, hugging him tighter. 

“Don’t even go there, Rin. I’m warning you. I’m not mad because I love you too much. I don’t want to burden you any more than I have done.” I move slowly, wanting nothing more than to kiss him on his lips. The moment he shuts his eyes and flinches, I settle for kissing his cheek instead. 

“Rin, I won’t make you choose. “

_Because I’ve already chosen for you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Things definitely got a little intense between Sousuke and Rin in this chapter. What exactly did Sousuke decided for Rin? More answers in the next chapter. Please do comment and tell me what you think! :)


	3. Lukewarm Cola

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's never easy to choose, but a decision must be made.

Everything goes back to normal after that night. As normal as it can be, I suppose. We spend our time studying, preparing for the exams, university and graduation. Our time is running shorter and shorter each day. 

After a few days of awkward conversations, we fell back into a normal pace. Less touches, less affection, but normal friendliness. He doesn’t go out as much, almost never, unless with the whole gang and not Nanase alone. He tried asking me to come along a couple of times, but I denied. I don’t have the strong will to hold my fist from punching the life out of Nanase. I understand now why men turn violent just to cover up and lick their wounds. 

I have no idea what our relationship is now. Not quite boyfriends, not exactly friends either. It’s not exactly ideal for the both of us, being so unclear about it. But on the bright side, Rin started wearing our bracelet again. He never took off his necklace, but I can’t complain. Seeing the bracelet on his wrist makes me feel wanted again, even just for a little bit. 

And it’s more than enough for me. 

-

“We’re finally free from school! Let’s go celebrate with everyone tonight, Sou!” Rin grins and playfully punch my good shoulder. The graduation ceremony just ended and we are currently walking back towards our dorm room. I chuckle and put my arms around his shoulder. 

“Technically there’s still university. Hopefully you didn’t forget about that part.” Rin clicks his tongue and reaches for his phone. 

“Don’t ruin my fun, asshole. Now, any suggestions for dinner? I’ll text Ha- the Iwatobi guys… And maybe we can drag Momo and Ai along too! It’ll be a nice party, right?” I stop walking and face him with a grin.

“Hey, Rin. You remember our promise? I think I know what I want now.” It’s a promise long overdue and it’s the perfect time to use it. It’s not like I’m blackmailing him anyways. 

“Huh? Okay… What do you want then?” He raise his eyebrow and I can’t help to think he looks absolutely adorable. 

“Let’s stay in tonight and celebrate without everyone else, just the two of us.” 

“Are you serious? That’s all you want? Don’t you want something else more… I don’t know, more special or something?” 

“Yeah, it’s pretty special isn’t it? Since I’m hogging you all for myself tonight. Quite selfish, if you ask me.” I grin as his face turns a shade of crimson.

“Stupid Sousuke.” He hurriedly turns back and walks to the dorm. 

“I take that as a yes?” I shout and jog after him. 

“You’re paying for dinner!” I laugh and ruffle his hair. 

-

We’re watching a movie from Rin’s laptop while eating ice cream after dinner. I have my arms around his shoulder as he leans to me. I can’t care less on what the movie is about because Rin is much more interesting to watch. The way his eyes squint during a particular scene he doesn’t like, or the way he laughs at something funny on screen, the little gasp during shocking outcomes, they are all so precious to me. If I could then I would be happy just to watch him like this for the rest of my life. 

“You’re absolutely stunning, Rin.” His hand stops midway, nearly dropping his spoonful of ice cream he’s about to eat.

“Really, Sou? Aren’t you being extra sappy today.” And yet he says that with a deep red blush on his face. I gently take the spoon away from his hand and set the tub of ice cream down beside his bed. 

“Can I kiss you?” He looks sheepish for a moment and suddenly grabs my shirt. 

“You don’t have to ask…” I chuckle before slowly leaning in. His eyes flutter shut, lips parted in anticipation. 

I kiss him. After a long time I can finally feel his lips on mine, breathing him in, tasting him. I pour my heart out into the kiss. Fond memories of when we were young, of him teaching me how to swim, years of waiting faithfully for him, seeing him again after all those years smiling blindingly with his friends. The recent painful memory of having to wait for him in the dark, realizing that he is never mine alone to keep comes back to me. It pains me, but it soon passes, overwritten by happier thoughts. Reminiscing on all the laughter we shared, my less than decent confession, the tears and toothy grin when he said yes. All those passionate kisses before this one. 

The moments spent with Rin are the memories that I will keep for as long as I live. 

I gently push him down to lay on his back, and I gaze at his flushed face with swollen lips and glassy red orbs staring back at me. His beauty never fails to take my breath away, making the time around me stops and the world around us wither away. 

“I love you, Rin. I love you so much.” I stroke his cheek, ever so lovingly. This beautiful man with bright red hair… My best friend, my lover, my dream. 

“Shut up and kiss me already!” 

We spend our last night together with sweet kisses, warm embraces, entangled limbs, passionate moans and grunts, and blissful release. I bask in the moment, imprinting his voice, taste and touch in my brain. 

I hope he does too, because I won’t be here when he wakes up tomorrow.

-

The sunlight gently caresses his cheek, making his skin glow and illuminated in such an ethereal way. He’s a sight to behold and I won’t ever get bored saying it. 

I felt ready to go, I really did. But after last night, it feels very hard to let go of Rin. I glance at the bags in the corner of my closet, tucked away from plain sight. I only needed 2 bags for all my important belongings, leaving the rest for Rin to do whatever he wants to with them. They will remind me too much of him anyways. And that’s too bad, that denim shirt is still my favorite one. 

I take off my bracelet and leave it on his desk, next to a can of Coca-Cola. For sure, he’s going to complain about how lukewarm Coke sucks. He just have to deal with it since I don’t have any other paperweight to hold down my handwritten note. 

_Thank you._  
I’m sorry.  
I love you. 

That’s all it says.

Rin stirs in his sleep, a sign that I should leave him soon before he wakes. I feel a knot forming in my throat. I hold my breath, trying my best not to hurl last night’s dinner out on the floor. I thought giving up swimming is the hardest decision I will ever make in my life, but that doesn’t even come close to this. 

“Sousuke…” He mumbles in his sleep. He sure knows how to tug on a man’s heartstrings. 

I kiss those lips one last time, the lips belonging to the love of my life.

I grab my bags.

And I close the door with a soft click, leaving my heart behind with a man I’ll never see again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank your for reading another chapter! More to come soon. And also thank you for all the comments and kudos, they're much appreciated.


	4. A new chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changes are not easy, but most of the times necessary.

“He won’t eat, he won’t talk to anyone. He locks himself up in his room unless he really has to go out. He’s a wreck, Sousuke-kun” Gou pleads on the phone. It’s been a week since I left that dorm. I deleted every single social media account, changed my phone number and e-mail to cut ties with Rin. It worked until Gou, the smart girl she is, rang my parent’s home and demanded my mother for my new number. Thankfully, she called me the second after she noted down the last digit instead of giving it to Rin right away.

“I’m sorry Gou, there’s nothing more I can do for him.” I set my book down. The one that I’ve been reading to occupy my mind but never seem to move past page 3. She doesn’t reply but I can almost feel her inner turmoil. 

“You can talk to him. Explain to him why you left. Won’t it be good for you as well, to get some kind of closure?” She speaks in a shaky voice. She is such a kind girl, worrying about both her brother and brother-figure. 

“Talking to him won’t get me any kind of closure. I don’t even think there will be any kind of closure for me.” I laugh bitterly. I know very well that I will have to live with this for the rest of my life, perhaps regretting it at one point. But the decision of leaving Rin feels right. Albeit painful, I know deep in my heart and in my mind that it’s a chance for me to find myself again. To replace all the parts of myself that I’ve lost for Rin, I have to stay away from him. 

“But what about his closure?” In that whisper I can hear the underlying anger, sadness and worry mixed into one short question. I don’t reply and let the silence hang between us instead.

Gou doesn’t need to know the reason I left Rin. It might be unfair to the both of them, but it’s not like I will change my mind about leaving even if they do know the reason behind it. Perhaps it might be better for them to hate me, to make it easier for them to cope with it. I’ve been a huge burden to Rin, so this should be a punishment I have to face without dragging him or Gou down even more. 

“We were falling apart, I don’t want to be hurt again. Won’t you forgive me for being selfish just this once?” This time it’s her turn to stay silent, stewing over the meaning of my words.

“It was never his fault, you know? It’s always been me who mess things up.” 

“That’s not true! It was wrong for him to cheat on you with Haru. This time it’s his fault for breaking your trust. But don’t you two always make up after a fight, no matter how big it is? I’m sure Onii-chan regrets what he did, he wants to make it right again!” Gou sounds desperate and panicky, surely Rin’s condition is affecting her. 

“Maybe we’re just not meant to be. He deserves a wonderful person by his side, and that person is not me.” I’ve always thought about this, but saying it out loud is a different matter. Truth hurts, they say, and I understand that. 

“Sousuke-kun, I’ve never thought you’d be so selfish to give up on Onii-chan like that...” She sighs. I can imagine how she would look like on the other side of the call. 

“I’ll leave Rin to you. I would appreciate it very much if you don’t tell him about our talk today.” The sense of finality in that sentence seeps into my brain, as if I am listening the words spoken by someone else. It feels weird, but I suppose change is always uncomfortable. After all, up until now I’m still convincing myself that this whole situation is a change that I need. A change that Rin needs as well, as the perfect chance for him to be truly free from anything that might restrict him from achieving his dreams.

“One of these days I’m going to slip up and tell him your number by accident.” Despite her words, I know she understands my feelings as much as she understands her brother’s.

“You take good care of yourself, okay?”

“We’ll miss you, Sousuke-kun.”

“Goodbye.”

-

Gou sent me a message one day before Rin was due to leave, asking me if I had wanted to send him off as well. Apparently everybody was throwing him a big send off, complete with the big banners, balloons and gifts. I politely declined, telling her to make sure to bring lots of tissues since Rin would bawl his eyes out. 

She replied late the next day, saying that Rin didn’t shed a single tear. He chose to flash a tight-lipped smile and a curt nod, nothing else. 

I look out the train window and try my best to enjoy the lush view of the Scandinavian countryside. 

I guess I never really knew him after all. 

And that was the last message I got from Gou for years to come. 

-

The thing that travelling taught me was how getting lost is a mean to find yourself. Sure it taught me many things as well, like how to be open minded, how to enjoy your own company, and even how to be self sufficient. But because of travelling all around the world, working part time jobs here and there for a living and barely getting by, I learn how to live for myself again. It’s exhilarating.

During my travels I found a new dream for myself : to move abroad and build my life in Hawaii. I found myself attracted to the way of life there, how everything is so laid-back and cheerful. And who could ever deny the beauty of Hawaiian sea? The water called me and I found myself riding the waves in Canoes, Oahu. I spent my days on the beach and rekindling my love of the water in a different way. But those sunsets on the beach made me feel lonely despite the crowd. 

The first few months without Rin were especially tough. I was so used to living around him and doing my activities with him, so sometimes I find myself lost on what to do. But I grit my teeth and pushed on to see the world and create beautiful memories on my own. I promised myself that I would not dwell too much on the sad memories and to cherish our happy times together. That got me going, for sure.

Wherever I went, I would always find something that reminds me of him. I think even the color red made me think of Rin and his fiery hair and his expressive eyes. Here and there I would buy things that I know he would like, only to realize I might not get a chance to give it to him. So I hold on to the red komboloi from Greece, a pricy scarf I came across in Italy, shark tooth necklace from Hawaii, elephant pants from Thailand, and several other stuff I can’t even remember anymore. I ended up eating the cheese from France and using the Balinese sarong for a makeshift blanket though. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

In the end, the busier I got, the more I push back thoughts of Rin to the back of my head until only a dull ache remained. Not that I ever stopped loving him, of course. There will always be a place for him in my heart. 

But with my new dreams, new resolve and new self, I had a new drive to live again. This time for myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter! More to come :)


	5. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home, bittersweet home.

After spending two years around the world, I decided to come back to Tokyo. If I could, I would spend more time rediscovering myself but I have to help around the house and pay back all the money I owe my parents for the travelling expense and online degree. My parents are amazing folks, letting me go away that far, and for a long amount of time, right after high school. So I have to come back and thank them properly, making sure they’re happy.

My room is still the same way as I had left it. Swimming medals and trophies used to decorate one side of the room but I put it all away before I left, leaving the wall empty. Looking at it feels bittersweet, bringing a twinge of nostalgia. Shaking my thoughts away, I decide to fill it up with pictures and trinkets of my travels instead. Of course, I have to unpack all the boxes I had to send home from different places around the globe first.

Among those boxes, I notice one that isn’t mine. It has my name written on it, but nothing else to clarify what the contents might be. I open it to find stacks of neatly organized letters and packages, the recent one being just a week ago. The Australian post stamp catches my eyes, informing me of who the sender is. 

Rin Matsuoka is written on the back of each envelope.

“Sousuke, dinner's ready! Oh, you’ve found the box?” My mother walks into my room and crouches beside me. I turn towards her to see her smiling wistfully. 

“You know, Rin-chan called not long after you left. He sounded like he struggled to ask about you.” She picks up the stack at the bottom, showing me the date on the letter. The first ever letter he sent was on the same month he moved to Australia. 

“I told him that you asked me not to say where you are or how to contact you. He sounded even more dejected after that. So I gave him our address in case he wants to send letters to you. He’s been sending at least one every month now.” I can see flashes of Rin’s face as my mother talks about him. 

“I’m not sure what happened between the both of you before you graduated high school, but I hope whatever decision you chose made you happy. Makes you happy.” My mother puts her arm around my shoulder and pulls me into a side hug. For a split moment I feel like a child again. I nod as she puts back the letter in the box.

“Now come on, your father and I want to hear more about your adventures!” She pats my back and I close the box, making my way to downstairs for my mother’s tonkatsu dinner.

-

“Yamazaki?” Of all the people I can meet here in Tokyo, it has to be Nanase Haruka. 

I acknowledge him with no emotion on my face. I proceed to walk away, not wanting anything to do with him but unfortunately he has other ideas.

“If you have the time I want to talk to you.” So typical of Nanase to be speaking about my time like he can take it without asking. I turn back to glare at him and for a second he flinches before composing himself again.

“I have nothing to say to you.” 

“You don’t have to say anything. I just need you to listen.” He takes a step closer to me, I can hear desperation in his voice now.

“I have no obligation to listen to you. Fuck off, Nanase.” I’ve never liked this man and I honestly can’t care less about whatever he wants to say. I turn to leave but his sudden grip on my arm stops me. 

“For Rin’s sake. Hear me out.” I grit my teeth and pull my arm away from him.

“Don’t you fucking say Rin’s name to me.” He positively looks scared now but he looks determined to make me stay.

“Please.” The look in his eyes reminds me of Rin.

I really, really do hate him. 

-

He dragged me into a nearby cafe. Even though he was so eager to talk to me, we end up spending 10 minutes in silence. I sit with my arms crossed and stare at him, hoping to intimidate the man to start talking.

“Well? I don’t have all day.” I grow more irritated with each passing second. I have more important things to do rather than watching Nanase darting his eyes around the room to avoid mine. 

“Back then, I knew you were dating Rin.” I scoff and roll my eyes at his words.

“Oh? I’m touched you realize you were ruining our relationship. Now, if you’re just here to rub shit all over my face, I’ll take my leave. I’ve spent too much time looking at your face and my hands are itching to break your nose.” Nanase sighs and looks at me with a pleading, guilty expression. This is probably the first time I’ve seen such apparent emotion in his face and it almost caught me off guard.

“I want to apologize, Yamazaki. I know I ruined your relationship with Rin, I did it on purpose. No, please listen to me,” I feel rage bubbling up, just like a dormant volcano finally waking up again. I clench my fist on the table, knuckles turning white. After all these years, the incident is still an unfinished issue that bothers me. I just happen to push it aside for more important matters.

“I did it because I was jealous of you. Yes, Rin might be having lunch with me, hanging out with me, talking to me, even in bed with me, but you’re the one he gave his heart to. He’s always thinking about you! Sousuke this, Sousuke that, Sousuke everything. And the worst part is, he did it unconsciously. Like his life was revolving around you no matter what he was doing.” Nanase stops to breath, giving me a moment to process all the things he said. I can’t deny the smug contentment of seeing Nanase like this, but it the flutters in my stomach after hearing his words regarding Rin’s feelings towards me is much more satisfying.

“I was in love with Rin, and I wanted to take him away from you. That’s why I did everything I could to tear you apart. I’m not proud of what I’ve done, but I was trying to do what I think was best for my life. Surely you can understand that.” 

“What are you trying to say, Nanase.” I growl, finding no point of him saying this to me after 2 years and a huge effort on my part to put it behind me. 

“I just want to apologize. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I just need you to listen to what I have to say so I can move on with my life.” 

“You really are a selfish bastard.” I mutter quietly as I get up to leave. 

“Yamazaki, do you know what he said when he decided to leave and end whatever we had between us?” I look at him and wait for him to answer his own question, noting Nanase’s slightly upturned lips and distant eyes.

“He said : ‘ I’m going home ’ “

In that moment Nanase and I both know that Rin’s words meant so much more than that simple sentence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Terribly sorry for the late update, I've been very occupied lately. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	6. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Letter by letter, word by word, I'll try to understand

I take out all of Rin’s letters and lay them down on my bed. A total of 31 envelopes in different sizes, mostly regular letters but there are also a few brown A4 envelopes. There is a small box that makes a sound when I shake it, along with a big, bulky package that contains something soft inside.

It’s only fair that I read every single one of them, especially after hearing what Nanase said earlier this afternoon. I lean on my bed’s headboard, propped by a couple of pillows, and carefully ripped open the first letter.

 

 _Dear Sousuke,_  

_I’m sorry._

_I know that these words may mean nothing to you, but I don’t know what else to say or do to gain your forgiveness._

_I hurt you, and that is unforgivable. You have been nothing but kind and loving, but I repaid you with pain. I have no excuse for what I’ve done, because it was all my mistake and not yours. I wish I could turn back time and be a better lover, or at least a better friend for you, but we all know there’s no way I can do that._

_You have never been a burden to me, Sousuke. I was a fool to have said that, even when it was only my anger speaking. You’ve been supporting me from the start, and even now you still keep me going! You were always there with me through thick and thin. You supported me and my decisions, even neglecting your well-being most of the times. I can’t thank you enough for all that you’ve done._

_You loved me with all your heart, but I took it for granted. I’m ashamed that I have to realize that fact only because of this ordeal. It’s true what people say, you don’t really know what you’ve got until it’s gone._

_I’ve been in Australia for one week now, and I have spent days thinking about how I can make it up to you. But I honestly can’t think of anything that would make you happy, really. So until you tell me, by letter, text, email, or face to face, I will write to you. You better be ready for lots of letters!_

_I’ll write again soon._

_Rin_

 

It’s been too long since the last time I’ve seen Rin’s handwriting, and it makes me chuckle at how it is still messy.

I open more letters, curious as to what he has to say. Most of them are about his daily life in Australia. How he finally found a decent Asian supermarket near campus that carries his favorite snacks, how he made new friends and even found another Japanese person there, about that time he went to the zoo and found a lazy wombat that looks like me (from the picture he sent along with the letter, I am 100% sure it looks nothing like me), and probably about everything else he did besides practice and attending classes.

He sent me birthday cards with his usual letter attached, but the latest one caught my attention because it didn’t have a post stamp on it.

 

 _Dear Sousuke,_  

_Happy birthday, old man! Can’t believe you’re this old already! Too bad you’re not in Tokyo this year, your Mom made me a feast to make up for your absence. Your loss._

_If you haven’t figured it out : Yes, I’m writing this in your living room after stuffing my face with tonkatsu. (Oh where ever you are right now, is there even a decent tonkatsu there? I bet nothing beats the ones in Japan though, especially your Mom’s tonkatsu. Once again, your loss.)_

_It’s the first time I’m back in Japan after I left for Australia. I just didn’t have the time to visit, and perhaps I simply wasn’t ready to come back yet. But this year is quite different. Gou and my Mom begged me to come back, saying that they haven’t seen me in a long time. Which is partially a lie, they visited me last year and we Skype on regular basis._

_But I guess it’s still a good decision to come back. Things have been pretty … rough, so to speak. Seeing so many talented people in Australia motivated me to do better, but these past few months it’s been rather hard to focus. I feel tired. And I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, waiting for that moment when I’ll lose it and suddenly drown while swimming, or something like that. And it shows on my performance, so my coach sent me home to pull myself together._

_That’s why I’m here, I guess. Tummy still full of tonkatsu, and currently sipping on tea to calm my stomach._

_I remember that time when we had ‘The Big Argument’ in our dorm, and you said that I chose to fight alone in Australia. Well, now I choose not to, hence all the letters I keep sending you (which you never reply anyways, asshole)._

_I want to share my experiences with you. I want to talk to you. But then again, maybe I haven’t really earned the right that I’ve lost. Sorry for intruding to your house like this, but talking to your folks and just feeling traces of your presence is a great comfort from me. Don’t worry though, I didn’t barge into your room!_

_I miss you, Sousuke. Always and forever, after all these times._

_Rin._

_(p.s : I got you a gift, the little box with polkadot bow on it. Have you even opened the big plushie I sent you last year? Shipping was fucking expensive, you know!)_

 

I chuckle at the last sentence. Trust Rin to complain about one thing but does the opposite thing anyways. I grab the bulkier package and ripped the plastic and paper open, only to find a huge, fluffy whale shark plushie inside. No surprise there, Rin always has been girlier than he would ever admit.

Tucking the plushie under my arm, I reach out for the smaller box. It’s a simple wooden box, secured with a messy blue polkadot bow. It’s so simple and so easy to open, I never had the time to think twice about what might be inside.

My heart nearly stopped when my eyes landed on the familiar charms. I trace my fingers on the cool metal, noticing the differences between this new bracelet and the old one. The teal and red braided leather is now a simple thick brown one, and the two separate shark and whale shark are now set together on a flat, round, platinum charm. Engraved on the back is a simple sentence that meant more to me than an ‘I love you.’

 

“ _You are my home.”_

 

And like a lightning in a thunderstorm, the feelings I put aside came back in a flash.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will finish this, I swear.


End file.
